Sexuality and Relationships
All questions are fair

Genesis of a seminar

Classic teen comedies such as Caddyshack or American Pie would have us believe that teenagers spend a great deal of energy talking about, thinking about or pursuing sex. According to the Sexuality Informa-tion and Education Council (SIECUS) a national, nonprofit organization, the statistics are that more than 60 percent of American high school boys and nearly 50 percent of high school girls have had sex.

But those teenagers are not necessarily ready to manage the challenges and joys of sexual intimacy with maturity, asserts Ellie Griffin, director of Milton Academy’s Health and Counseling Center and, since 1978, the developer and leader of the Human Sexuality & Relationships (HS&R) course curriculum and training.

As a dorm parent, teacher and counselor, Ellie was approached frequently by students who wanted to discuss sexuality, but were uncomfortable doing so (and often ignorant of the facts); they felt insecure in their handling of all sorts of relationship issues and alone in their angst. In response, Ellie set out to equip students to handle better not only the pressure students might feel to become sexually experienced, but also the romantic and platonic relationships that are the center of a teen’s universe. Now, 26 years later, the seminar is regularly oversubscribed, requiring a wait list. Meanwhile, Ellie has spread the word by offering training workshops or sharing curriculum with dozens of other schools, including Hotchkiss, Suffield, Pomfret, Thayer, Gunnery, Groton, Buckingham Browne & Nichols School, Exeter and Andover.

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You’re a 15-year-old at your first Human Sexuality & Relationships (HS&R) seminar. You’ve heard it’s a fun class—a different way to connect with other members of the Milton community, and one of your housemates liked it enough to sign up for the Advanced HS&R course.

The first week of class breaks the ice—your group of 12 students, two adult facilitators and two seniors (Students Educating the Community About Sex, known on campus as “SECS”) plays games that expose myths about sexuality, generates a list of slang that will be considered unacceptable for the purposes of your group and talks about ground rules, identifying a framework to allow members to speak openly without criticizing others’ viewpoints. Okay, not too bad.
“This course is one place,” explains Ellie, “where adolescents can talk about the things that are most important in their lives right now: identity and relationships. They talk, as they will not, or cannot, with their parents.”

The course goes beyond the “birds and the bees” and aims to deliver accurate information and help teens consider safety, responsibility and mutual consent, subjects on which misinformation abounds. These topics can also make students, and the adults in their lives, squirm.

Facilitator André Heard ’93, dorm parent and assistant dean of students for residential life, is a three-year veteran. “We work hard not to put students on the spot. We try to stay away from ‘I’ and ‘we’ in our discussions,” André says.

Having a safe discussion is paramount. Each group sets parameters, but all groups abide by the ground rules of respect; listening; avoidance of inappropriate slang; and confidentiality.

“We work to get a good conversation going and to infuse it with facts. It’s not an anatomy or psychology class, though we do touch on those topics; it’s a discussion group. A lot of questions don’t have answers.

“Students come away with a heightened sense of the possible consequences of the choices they’re making. Taking the class is an action against the ‘Oh, it can’t happen to me,’ syndrome,” André says.

Course facilitators do not necessarily memorize the effectiveness of various kinds of birth control—although they do take a two-hour seminar on contraception and STIs (sexually transmitted infections). Instead, they take the course’s detailed curriculum and act as a reliable resource.

Each pair of adult facilitators train for two full days, with three additional workshops, and follow a detailed curriculum. Seminars throughout the semester bolster on-the-job training. Student facilitators (SECS), Class I students who have taken beginning and advanced HS&R, as well as supplemental training, function in the groups as informal consultants and co-leaders. The student facilitators meet weekly with Ellie Griffin and Rod Skinner, director of college counseling, for supervision and training in educating their peers.

While teens’ needs have not changed over the course’s history, Ellie stresses that the introduction of AIDS profoundly changed the way that we must talk about sexuality. “That is, sexuality must now be discussed within a life-and-death context. One result is that for this generation of young adults, what used to be the most intimate of sexual acts, oral sex, has become more common, because of the mistaken belief that oral sex will not pass AIDS along,” Ellie says. The course thus stresses the importance of being accurately informed about sexual behavior.

“We can’t let the fact that talking about sex can be uncomfortable get in the way of acknowledging how important the issues are,” says SECS leader Deirdre Byrne ’04. “I’m worried that sexuality and relationships and the topics surrounding them get ‘swept under the rug’ too often.
“Having students as leaders is a crucial part of the teaching process. Younger students can take sexuality more seriously and can handle the issues in a more mature fashion when they see somebody close to their own age who is comfortable, at ease and educated,” Deirdre says.

The HS&R course underscores the belief that accurate information always works better than ignorance. Teachers and students in the course address the value of communication, of mutual respect, of mutual responsibility for the consequences of actions, and of the need for equality in relationships.
“The most interesting and informative part of the course for students is the opportunity to talk with others about love and relationships,” Ellie says. “The factual information is important, and we do a good job of communicating it. However, the conversation about how to relate to others, how to maintain a relationship, how to know when you’re in love, how to survive the breakup of a relationship, how to talk about issues in a relationship, how to deal with anger, are all topics that are crucial to an individual’s well-being.”

SECS leader Scott Chaloff ’04 wanted to help lead a group because the course had been important to him. “And,” he says, “everyone knows that winters can be long and stressful. Being part of a group like this—where you can just talk—is actually stress relief for me.”

“This aspect of the course makes up the bulk of the sessions, and this is what graduates remember many years later, when they return for reunions and contact their HS&R leaders. It makes a difference in a person’s life,” Ellie says.

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