My Teacher Has It in For Me
Lenna Dower, Associate Dean For Classes V & VI

When my daughter was in kindergarten, the teachers laughingly told the parents that if they promised to believe only half of what the children told them about happenings at school, the teachers, in return, would promise to believe only half of what the children told them about happenings at home. It was a covenant that worked pretty well, back at a time when teachers and parents saw each other on a regular basis, and children were eager to tell tales. We could sort through miscues, misperceptions, or simple mistakes and stay on task.

The middle school children aren’t eager to tell tales about school, however. They are afraid that what they say will be critiqued, and that their viewpoints will be seen as an opening to parental advice. Yikes! When they do, it is often to seek support from their parents. They tell tales of woe, eager to deflect criticism and blame by pointing out the foibles of “the other one” who may be an inconstant friend, a blithe spirit who got them into trouble, or a teacher out to get them. Rarely, do they want to own the responsibility for the current concern. Parents are presented with children who have been the victims of someone else’s mechanizations. There is much more at stake at home than there is at school. Here, when a miscreant is sent to my office, he is always able to tell me most of what he has done. He or she knows I can check the facts, so shielding himself or herself from embarrassment will not work. Also, this is my job, and, as one student put it, I need students to act up now and then to make me feel useful. They can see themselves as doing me a favor. The real problem is when I ask why something was done. They don’t have a clue.

Imagine a world where you are the center of the universe, the focus of all eyes, in the center of the spotlight. Your every move is to be scrutinized and judged. Yet, the next moment, you are invisible. In your anonymity you can blurt out anything, scratch inappropriate places, and take risks at very long odds. This is life atop Ware. Your child oscillates between these two places, and the amount of time spent in either condition is somewhat random. Usually any stress brings spotlights, and relaxing produces invisibility.

So what do you think happens when something goes wrong? The child feels revealed and labeled as a FAILURE. This is almost too much to bear. The blame-game is a way to share the spotlight while creeping back to the quiet darkness backstage. That’s normal. However, I want to help parents know that they don’t have to buy into a child’s need to deflect fault.
Let’s have a new covenant. If parents promise to believe that teachers do not stay up late at night trying to figure out how to make your child’s life miserable, we promise to see your child as a work in progress. We won’t give that child a label.

Teachers know that your child will make mistakes, and, deep down, parents know this too. Teachers know that we can hold a child to high expectations without humiliating that child. And we do. Teachers, year after year, see the amazing process of learning go on under their auspices. We expect the learning process to be difficult.

We have some of the best teachers I have ever seen, working with your children. They are prepared to teach students with a wide range of abilities, strengths, and learning styles. They are absolutely dedicated, talented, and energized. You cannot top this crew. Teachers new to our school have mentors assigned to them to help with all those unwritten aspects of the school culture. All subject groups meet by class level, every week or two, to make sure that they are all on the same page, and to see how the curriculum is working out within their sections. The advisor team meets once a week to go over any concerns that may arise, and to put out brushfires. Immediacy of response is important at this age group. You can trust us.
After all, we trust your child. Each and every student is treated with respect, and enjoyed for who they are. We have standards of behavior that we have to remind students to follow, and we have students who make mistakes. We expect that. They grow from these mistakes.

A few years ago, some of the Class V athletes of the football team were picking on the Class VI athletes. I called them into a room to discuss their behavior, and how it destroyed team spirit. One boy tried to excuse their behavior by stating that, “Boys will be boys.” I responded that our job was to turn them into men. No one argued.

So, as partners in this task, let’s work together. If you have concerns, ask your child questions. What did the other children do? How did the teacher respond? Have you talked with your advisor about this? If you still have concerns, call school. Speak with the teacher, advisor or class dean. Your information may help us direct the class as a whole, or our information may help you understand a situation more thoroughly. Anyway, the students hate this, so it keeps them on their toes. When parents and teachers work together we have the greatest chance for success.