Lessons Learned From Nemo
Last Friday night, 7th and 8th grade students congregated in Ware Hall for a beach party with Beach Boys’ music, wading pools, and pizza. The animated movie chosen by the students was “Finding Nemo”, the recent smash from Disney and Pixar, which tells the story of a clown fish named Nemo. At the beginning of the movie, Nemo’s father, Marlin, demonstrates all of the signs of an overprotective parent. For example, Nemo is excited to explore the sea on his first day of school while his father is worried and anxious about letting him go. The theme of this movie turns out to be “letting go” and how it is important for parents to remain ever watchful while giving their children room to swim on their own (even if it means some bumps and scrapes along the way.)

During adolescence, students experience tremendous change— emotional, social, cognitive and physical. They want to form their own identities and spend more time reflecting on daily interactions they have with peers and adults. As your son or daughter experiences these changes, redefining your role is important. According to Michael Riera, a renowned author, columnist, and speaker on adolescent issues, in the minds of their teenagers, parents have been fired as the managers of their lives. But, Riera says, they have the opportunity to be hired as the consultants. This is the key distinction in reforming this critical relationship.

How do you navigate these uncharted waters? Riera recommends that parents choose “naturally occurring times” to talk and to listen to their children. One suggestion is conversing in the car with your child and his orher friends. Also know that just listening in the car can be effective. Teenagers often get caught up in conversations with their friends and forget that you are listening. Therefore, pay attention because you may glean important information about your child’s life from those conversations. Another time to talk to your child is in the evening rather than directly after school. When your teenager comes home from school, he or she is processing everything that happened during that day. Asking them, “How was your day?” will probably get the response “fine” and no more. Reira recommends that you wait until later in the evening when your child is tired and not as consumed with the events of the day.

Parents have difficult roles to play: disciplinarians, counselors, cheerleaders, role models, mentors, tutors, etc. Experts say that parents still matter the most in the eyes of teenagers, they just don’t demonstrate that as readily as they used to. Riera recommends that parents spend less time preaching about issues and instead find ways of becoming the consultant who is available to discuss matters of integrity. Students this age often bristle when told what to do or how to be. Instead, gently probing questions such as “how might you have handled that differently?”, allows the student to ponder and consider alternate courses of action. Additionally, Rierea explains that parents should not expect their children to be perfect. If we think about our own teenage years, we can all think of times when we made mistakes. However, it is during these teachable moments that we learned the most. Without a chance to make mistakes, teenagers will not learn about decision-making, consequences, and responsibility.

At the end of Finding Nemo, father and son are reunited; both emerge wiser than they were before their journey. The father learns that he cannot protect his son from the larger world, but he can trust that he has developed self-reliance. Nemo has gained knowledge of and confidence in his own abilities and even applies that knowledge to help others.

You may want to read more about some of the developmental issues facing adolescents and their parents as each navigate a sea of change. Here are some books that my colleagues and I recommend to help you understand the emerging teenager:

Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep Them Talking to You & Hear What They’re Really Saying by Michael Riera.

The Primal Teen: What the New Discoveries About the Teenage Brain Tells Us About Our Kids by Barbara Strauch.

What Are You Doing in There: Balancing Your Need to Know with Your Adolescent’s Need to Grow by Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese.

Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers by Michael Riera.

Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall? By Anthony E. Wolf.