Who’s homesick?
Advice from the dean of students, Lucretia Wells

"An ounce of prevention" may not stave off what seems inevitable, but it may help. A conversation with your child before arriving at Milton could provide a healthy context for the many feelings related to all the new elements of life away from home. Many parents have found it helpful to ask their children: "What are the two things you’re most excited about, or looking forward to, and what are the two things you’re most concerned about?"

This is a value-added question: it lets you know what your child anticipates happily; it acknowledges and allows him or her the anxiety which is normal; and it gives you the chance to respond in the most helpful way to the worries or concerns.

In this conversation, you would be unwise to convey the idea that you’ll be missing Susie so very much that you just won’t know how you’ll get along. While that idea may seem to express how much you love Susie, it makes it seem that if she actually has a good time at school, she’s somehow betraying you. Better that you send the message that of course you’ll miss her tremendously, but you’re so excited about this thing she’s doing, and how many opportunities are hers to explore.

So, what about Peter’s anxieties? Let him know that you can understand why this, or that, may make him nervous, but that you’re confident in him. "You’re the kind of person who’s always done well with this sort of challenge, or that sort. I think you’re going to do fine."

Don’t, in any case, make "life boat deals. " Guaranteeing Peter and Susie that if they don’t like school within x number of weeks you’ll be there to pick them up and move them out is not a constructive offer. This "deal" provides an incentive in the direction of focusing on what they don’t like about school. It takes the pressure off trying to engage in the here and now – developing that network of friends, adults and involvements that make living at school well worth the effort.
Once Peter and Susie have moved in, give them some space and time. Two or three phone calls a day – although some parents may hope these are helpful – are actually detrimental. While each family must find the right tempo for connecting, students need to be encouraged to build their home-away-from-home support systems. They need to experience the highs and lows of the first days, feeling out how and when they’ll seek support right around them. For many families, waiting for Peter or Susie to make the call, to make the first contact, has been the right approach. That’s true even when it invokes the startling awareness that Peter or Susie may not have a need to call right away.

When you do talk on the phone, don’t let Peter know that life has stopped in his absence: Foster the dog hasn’t moved from his bed; Mom hasn’t gone to the supermarket; the flowers have wilted in the garden… etc. Once again, this expression of love sets up a conflict. If Peter is actually happy about some things at school, he may feel he’s betraying you.

When Susie calls you in tears, realize that you are hearing a purely undiluted version of what is worst about life. Absent from the call is any description of the moments when life appears to have some bright spots and promising developments. After a phone call of this kind, call Susie’s house head, faculty advisor, or floor parent and get a fuller read on how school has been going for her. The adults in the dorm, whose eyes and ears are focused on students during these first weeks, will be able to give you an accurate picture about what’s going well, and what still needs to be worked out.

If you are planning a visit, let Peter know. Few surprises are best, simply because surprise visits are another of those situations where Peter can feel conflicted. If he is excited about some plans with new friends, he may feel badly about switching plans to have dinner with you. On the other hand, if he sticks to his original plans, he may feel he will disappoint you.

One over-arching bit of advice is to avoid "prematurely rescuing" students. Both Peter and Susie should be supported in growing into their own competencies. Contribute to their ability to find solutions (Did you talk to your house head? Your coach? Your advisor?) and keep a positive attitude about the fact that most issues have acceptable resolutions. When they are upperclassmen, Susie and Peter, confident, independent and resourceful young people, will be great helpers for the new students in their houses, during Septembers to come.